Hueco Mundo's Advice Column
by Totoromo
Summary: Hueco Mundo has a newsletter and Nnoitra is forced to be a columnist. He runs an advice column with a guest, answering your questions. A little bit of crack for fun. This week: Szayel.
1. Tesla

**Title: **Hueco Mundo's Advice Column

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Rating: **T, for mild adult situations and language

**Description: **Hueco Mundo has a newsletter and Nnoitra is forced to be a columnist. He runs an advice column with a guest, answering your questions. A little bit of crack for fun.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

_A/N: Well, it's kind of unfair for the shinigami to get all the fun, isn't it? Slyswn28 gave me this idea unwittingly._

* * *

Nnoitra Gilga, quinto espada here. So I don't really want to do this, so hopefully you'll all just not like it and I can get out of it and do something more interesting (like anything but this). Aizen assigned all the espada parts of the new newsletter though, and this is what I got assigned. If he thinks I care about people's problems…well then, he's not as smart as he thinks he is. What the hell, how do I change font? Don't I have an editor or something? Wait…I'm the editor? Of what? The whole damn thing? How did that happen, did I lose a bet or something? Oh yeah, I did. Damn you Grimmjow, I swear you had aces up your sleeve or something. Plus I'm pretty sure I was way too drunk. I was taken advantage of!

Anyways, Tesla is right next to me so I'm making him help me. Next week I'll grab someone else so it won't be _as_ boring. Next time you can send some questions in for us, but for now, I'll just have Tesla make some up.

* * *

**Tesla, what's it like being Nnoitra's fraccion? What do you have to do as fraccion? – Fraccion Wanna-be**

God Tesla, like anyone cares. – Nnoitra

Well, it's a bit different from the other fraccions. It varies from espada to espada what they have their underlings do. Grimmjow mostly ignored his, Harribel is friends with hers. I mostly act as a shield, I guess. When Nnoitra is pissed off he takes it out on me first. Then if he's still pissed off he goes after someone else, but a lot of times just "sparring" with me is enough to get the edge off. It's been harder since Aizen ordered the espada to not fight against each other. Nnoitra always walks around looking hungry but can't do anything about it, except mostly to me. I also have to get him sake, hollow meat, and do his laundry. – Tesla

* * *

**Do espada and fraccion get paid? – Money curious**

In what? We don't use money around here. I guess you could say…power is our money. If I want something, I'll take it. – Nnoitra

We all work in service to Aizen out of…er…loyalty…I guess you'd say. Yeah, the whole "I can beat you up" bully-based economy leaves a lot to be desired. - Tesla

* * *

**Who has the most fraccion? – Arrancar #88**

Szayel does. I guess. I mean, he makes a lot, but then he eats them. It's way creepy. Hear that Tesla? No complaining because at least I don't eat you. - Nnoitra

The octava espada, Szayel Aporro Granz has the most. He uses them both to help him do his research and um, _as _his research too. I think he originally had some real arrancar as his fraccion but once he cloned them he killed them off so that he can continually make more of them. At least, that's the rumor. – Tesla

* * *

**Are you missing your eye or do you just wear the eye patch out of respect for Nnoitra? – Patchy**

Boring question. Skip it. – Nnoitra

Do you mean me too? But I think it's an interesting…argh!...ouch…ok, skipping. – Tesla

* * *

**Why is Santa Teresa so big? Are you compensating for something? – Zanpakuto collector**

You know that I know that you're writing these questions, right Tesla? What the hell are you insinuating with this? – Nnoitra

Haha, don't know how that question go in there. I'm sure that his zanpakuto is so big because he's so very strong and has lots of spiritual pressure, not for any other possible reason. - Tesla

* * *

Ah, I'm bored already. The questions that Tesla makes up are stupid. Anyways, I'm figuring I'll grab Starrk for the next one. He'll be asleep and easier to corner the some of the others. Stick your questions in a review or pm and Starrk and I will answer them. Just try not to be too lame.


	2. Starrk

Hey. This is Nnoitra the number one espada (according to anyone who knows anything). I recruited Starrk to help with this column. He's technically the number one espada but he sleeps way too much for me to actually think he deserves that title. I challenged him to battle when he came to my quarters to work on this column but he refused. I take that as meaning I'm clearly superior.

On to your lame questions. Also, please don't send pictures. I don't care and having to see you just makes me hit Tesla.

* * *

**Starrk-sama, does it hurt to tear your soul? - Whole Souled**

His relationship with Lilynette freaks me out honestly. She could at least put some more clothes on. Don't the women of Hueco Mundo at least get cold running around half naked all the time? - Nnoitra

Technically we don't have souls. My hole hurts all the time, but I'm used to it. I'm not sure why Nnoitra is talking about Lilynette. - Starrk

* * *

**This isn't so much a question as it is comment in regards to the sexy Nnoitra-sama having Santa Teresa in order to compensate for something else. Well I'm no expert but based on his astrology chart he's one of the biggest in the zodiac in more ways than one. I think the question you should have been asking here instead is how long he can last during each round (and no I am not talking about fighting, smirks) - Fangirl-in-a-training-bra**

Isn't Lilynette part of you? I thought that's what the question was about. For this question, THANK YOU (OBVIOUSLY I AM EXTREMLY MASCULINE IN ALL WAYS). I just about smashed Tesla last week for that comment. I almost was getting into this question until I saw the part about the training bra. Believe me when I say that I am VERY well... - Nnoitra

Please Nnoitra, no one wants to hear about your sexual exploits. Well, evidentially prepubescent girls do, but I don't know that that's the crowd you're trying to impress. - Starrk

* * *

**If you had a tail would you let me pet it Stark-san? - I Love Animals**

Haha! Come here you pooch! - Nnoitra

I think I'd be more of a behind the ear scratching kind of guy...wolf. Nnoitra, how childish are you? - Starrk

* * *

**To Starrk: How much do you reckon you sleep in a day? - Mello-chan x**

God, forever. I think he eats and pisses in his sleep too. - Nnoitra

Nnoitra, do you always have to be so crude? I just like to sleep. Things are pretty boring usually, there's no really reason to be awake for it. Staying awake during the espada meetings is very hard to do, but once I fell asleep at the table and Gin has used a marker to draw a curly mustache on my face so now I try to stay awake during them (even though they're terribly boring). I'm actually awake more often than people think, but I don't like opening my eyes. - Starrk

* * *

**And also, do you take pride in being the No.1 espada, or do you not really care? ~Mello-chan x**

Yes. As the number one greatest espada I take pride in being the best. - Nnoitra

Delusional, I swear. I don't really care either way. I think that as the primera espada I'm supposed to be a role model or do something special, but I don't. Lord Aizen doesn't seem to care either way, so why should I? - Starrk

* * *

**To Nnoitra: Do you appreciate Tesla in some ways, or do you just plain hate him? ~Definitely-not-Tesla (Please don't bully me!) ='(**

Tesla gets better than he deserves anyways. He should just be happy I let him hang around me. I don't hate him, or else I'd kill him. He wouldn't be fun enough to kill, therefore I don't hate him. Got it? - Nnoitra

That's some odd logic there, Nnoitra. I like Tesla, if that's any consolation. He's quiet and never wakes me up and sometimes entertains Lilynette and takes her off my hands. - Starrk

* * *

Next week I'm having Szayel Aporro Granz the octava espada answer questions with me. He lost a bet to me so I'm making him pay up. I think I'm going to ask him if he dyes his hair of it just naturally is such a wussy pink.


	3. Szayel

Nnoitra again. Szayel's here this time, because I drank him under the table. He says I cheated, but it's worthless saying crap like that if you can't back it up. Oh yeah, to whoever kidnapped Tesla for awhile. Don't do that again. I mean, I laughed for awhile over the letter and picture you sent me, but it's not like I was really gonna let anyone have him or anything and rescuing him was a pain in the ass. Not to mention he got all sappy after I saved him.

* * *

**Do you hear voices? - Schizophrenics Anonymous**

Yeah, yours. It's annoying. - Nnoitra

There's nothing wrong with listening to voices. I get a lot of inspiration that way. That's how I came up with the spider flower. - Szayel

* * *

**To Nnoitra: Have you ever heard of or read any NnoiTes yaoi? **smirk** -Nnoifangirl5**

I don't really like reading, but I've seen some drawings because Tesla seems to keep a lot of it around for some reason. - Nnoitra

Yes. - Szayel

* * *

**To Szayel: Do you dye your hair pink or is it natural fruity like that? -Nnoifangirl5**

I really wish I didn't know the answer to this question, but the showers here are communal and Szayel is one of those weird guys who just freaking lounges around when naked. Like I want to see that. Of course, he could just take a potion that makes all of his hair pink for all I know. - Nnoitra

Ilforte's was pink too, _he's_ the one who dyed his hair. I'm not sure why you'd insinuate that my hair color isn't anything less than perfect, it complements my eyes impeccably. - Szayel

* * *

**Is there anything going on between you and Nnoitra? - Yaoi-Fangirl **

**Szayel, are you and Nnoitra-sama sleeping together or did you help him defeat Nel for purely scientific purposes? - Fraccion #30**

There were too many of these questions so I lumped 'em together. We ain't partners in _any _way. He just offered to help and I took him up on it. It worked for both of us. Sure I grabbed his ass once, but it's hard to tell if he's a chick or a guy from behind. - Nnoitra

It was convenient for me to have an open espada slot. When Aizen says "no experimenting on Gin", I guess he really meant it. I learned my lesson from that. Besides, you have no idea how good Gin is as getting back at you. Nnoitra is nice and tall, but I prefer a little more symmetry in my partners _or_ lovers; with his eye he always looks lopsided and I want to fix him. Besides that, he's crude and not a very gracious person when you help him. - Szayel

* * *

**Szayel, What does your fraccion taste like? And do you ever get the urge to eat other espada's fraccion?- Master Chief**

**What do your Fraccion taste like when you eat them? - Curious Eater**

Honestly, Szayel was the one I looked too first when Tesla was gone, you like maybe he got hungry or something. - Nnoitra

Other fraccion wouldn't have the same regenerative effects as mine. Plus, I've stuffed mine with vitamins and minerals, very nutritious. Since I know that I'll most likely be eating them in the future I like to randomly give them different flavors. That way I get a nice surprise when I eat them. - Szayel

* * *

**Nnoitra-sama you could have had your pick of any partner, why did you choose Szayel Granz to accompany you when you set out to destroy Nel-chan? Did you in fact lose a bet or something? Maybe Szayel threatened to dye your pubes pink? - LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DANGER**

I went to Szayel for some stuff (he makes a mean brew of sake) and happened to mention that I was upset at Nel and the next thing I know I'm like wasted and telling him everything. He came up with the plan and it sounded like a good idea to me. I mean, I wasn't gonna get to beat her, but that would come later when she'd eventually come back for vengeance. That was the point of not killing her. I honestly didn't even remember to agreeing to anything until he showed up in my quarters all ready to go. - Nnoitra

I've already explained why I helped Nnoitra. However, I have in fact dyed Nnoitra's hair before. I died it blue and then told Grimmjow he had a crush on him. - Szayel

* * *

**Szayel, how do you feel about your zanpakuto meaning "You Will Fornicate/Lewd Concubine"? - xXheartfeltmeaningsXx**

What the hell Szayel, is that why Grimmjow trashed my room? - Nnoitra

There's nothing wrong with the body and it's natural urges. I have no idea why so many people get offended at my zanpakuto. - Szayel

* * *

**Does it hurt swallowing your sword? - Circus wannabe**

Haha, can you imagine me even trying? - Nnoitra

Not if you practice enough. - Szayel

* * *

**To Nnoitra: Tesla obviously has the hots for you and I think you might like him too. Like, you know, that kindergarten thing when boys pick on who they like. So, why don't you two stop beating around the bush and get on with it already? Yaoi is yummy. - Yaoi Lover**

Look, I can really really do better than Tesla if I was gonna go that route. - Nnoitra

They're so obviously together. - Szayel

* * *

**To Szayel: I heard you have the hots for the Quincy since your fight. So, is it true? - Matchmaker**

They both wear stupid capes and think glasses make them look intellectual, plus they obviously both have obsessive...er...that OCD thing. I bet they could like wash their hand 20 times together or something. - Nnoitra

It's never a good idea to warn the prey you're going to attack. - Szayel

* * *

**Szayel, has that drug thing Mayuri used on you wore off yet? - Team Szayel**

Haha, you mean "Mr. Poison" got poisoned? Serves him right. - Nnoitra

Only _that_ body was poisoned. I already explained that I can leave seeds in people. - Szayel

* * *

Tia Hallibel espada tres is going to be here next time. No, of course I didn't ask her, like I'd ask her for anything. Tesla said that I agreed to it for some reason though, so I guess I did.


	4. Hallibel

Er, so here's another one...or something. Kaname got all on my ass about not keeping up regularly and started talking about deadlines and crap so I threw this together to make him leave me alone. I mean, he was bad enough when he was by himself, but when you have him blabbing at you and Wonderweiss makes weird cooing noises in the background the annoyance is amplified by ten.

* * *

**Nnoitra how were you able to get your tattoo on your tongue? - Loves Ink**

Well, our tattoos aren't really inked on like you get in the World of the Living, but if yer interest ya CAN get yer tongue tattooed. - Nnoitra

I imagine it might affect your taste buds though, wouldn't it? - Hallibel

* * *

**Tia-sama, why is your tattoo on your boob? - Tattooed_Man**

So you can ogle her boobs and claim you were just looking at her number. - Nnoitra

No particular reason. Better than my tongue. - Hallibel

* * *

**Question for Tia: How do you smile/kiss/eat etc with that mask? - Bitey**

Serious question, have you seen Mileena from Mortal Kombat? Twins, right? Er, non-fraternal twins. The two should have a big boob and scary face contest. - Nnoitra

Arrancar are tougher than shinigami or humans, they don't mind a little bone or teeth here and there. It is true that I can't smile or frown though. - Hallibel

* * *

**Hallibel, are you lesbian 'cause you don't seem interested in guys and all your fraccion are girls. - Curious_perv**

Well that's what she's told me, but I'm sure she's lying just to get me off her back. It ain't working. - Nnoitra

I'm not really interested in men or women, but women are a lot more sensible then men. Men in general are too instinctive and never listen. - Hallibel

* * *

**It's obvious to anyone who knows you that you don't think much of male hollows or males in general but if this is the case...why did you agree to follow Aizen? Is it just because he helped you and your fraccion out that time or is there more to it then that? - Side Ways Traveler**

Aizen barely counts as a guy. I mean, he had that hot human chick around and all he did was be creepy to her. Him and Ulquiorra, I swear. - Nnoitra

He's a strong leader with a clear vision. I don't judge purely on gender, it just that many male arrancar are bloodthirsty beasts that need to be put down. And, as Nnoitra said, Aizen doesn't hit on any of his female (or male) followers, which I respect. - Hallibel

* * *

**Doesn't your bone bra/corset thingy hurt your massive chest? - Vickys ****Secret**

That's probably the worst part about Hallibel: she can never be completely naked. It's like nature went out of it's way to piss me off. - Nnoitra

No, it's part of my body so it's completely comfortable, just like you don't notice your ribs holding in your organs. In fact, I'm rather grateful, my fraccion complain about bras all the time and I don't have to worry about it. - Hallibel

* * *

**Hallibel, did you find Hitsugaya attractive during your fight? If yes, are you a cougar? - Toshi-chan-fan**

What? When was this? Who the hell does that little brat think he is! - Nnoitra

He was kind of adorable in a puppy kind of way. I didn't really view him as a threat and I understood why he was fighting. He didn't seem to be in the same category of blood-lust driven men I'm around. Also, I'm obviously not a cougar, I am a shark. - Hallibel

* * *

**Why don't you ever punish your fraccion so they could stop their annoying arguing? - The Punisher**

I don't think they were being literal, Hallibel. "Cougar" didn't mean you were a cousin of Grimmjow's or anything. Oh yeah, and why the hell don't you beat your fraccion more? - Nnoitra

I do punish them, in my own way. However, to use discipline on them in front of everyone isn't my style. Also, I've grown very good at completely ignoring them when I need to. - Hallibel

* * *

**Nnoitra-sama, Do you like being classified as "Spoon man"? - Forkster**

Whatever, people can call me whatever they want, as long as they're prepared to deal with me when I hear about it. I don't mind Spoon Man though, it's a pretty awesome Soundgarden song. - Nnoitra

How about Stick, Hole for Brains, Moob Queen, Piano Face, oh and my favorite Misogynist Pig. - Hallibel

* * *

**Nnoi, have you ever thought of going out with Hallibel? - Boredoutofhermind**

What the hell Hallibel? Moob Queen? Not anymore I ain't! Well...naw, ain't worth it, never gonna be able to see her boobs because of the physical impossibilities. - Nnoitra

Yes, Nnoitra, I'm just a pair of breasts. Low-life. - Hallibel

* * *

**Tia-Sama, will you punch Nnoitora-Sama? -Lerio, Ulquiorra's Fraccion**

Wait what? - Nnoitra

Absolutely. - Hallibel

* * *

See, this is why I hate women, they are either wusses that cry to much or ones that get all mad and bitchy and punch ya in the balls. By the way, Hallibel, the balls? Low blow you little perpetual tease.

Next time we'll have Ulquiorra, espada quatro. I think he's only coming by because Aizen is having him look after me and make sure I'm not breaking anything or something (teacher's pet!)


End file.
